If I am being honest, I am tired about writing about grief. I am tired of my heart aching all on its own when this month arrives. I am tired of having to work so hard to smile and push through the days I wish I could just hide under the covers and cry. It’s old. I don’t want sympathy, it won’t bring them back. I am not angry or unappreciative of the concern, I just wish I didn’t need it. I woke up yesterday morning with a headache. I had been sobbing in my dreams and crossed it over somehow when I woke up. Sometimes my dreams force me to release what I can’t seem to do awake. It’s so hard. To miss them, to know they won’t be back. To know that I can’t run to them when I feel sad, sick or overwhelmed with life. And MAN is life overwhelming these days. It’s like a buffet of all-you-can-worry at our disposal!
Making a moment to moment intentional choice to focus on the good is a skill I have not mastered, but trust me your girl is trying. Some days the best I can do is just surrender to it all. Leave all the feelings off the cuff and hang out like dirty laundry. Be authentic, admit the bad days are bad and just endure it. Cry, snap at the simple stuff and just feel what you gotta feel cuz… Then you can cross over to the other side. The side that holds hope. This can’t last forever because life on this side of heaven ends. We know that for sure. I hold onto the promise of a reunion. A glorious party of reconciliation that is entirely clear of sickness, violence and fear. Maybe this is the beginning of an end. And maybe that’s not a bad thing. We must mourn what once was and prepare for what is to come. Make peace with what we cannot control. Surrender to the daily reality and let the peace of that surrender seep into my bones. It’s all I can do. Cuz, I’m tired. Tired of feeling sad and pensive. Tomorrow will get better, and if it doesn’t, I will hold onto the hope that the following day will be. The sun will continue to rise, the moon continue to light up the darkness. Whatever comes will come. I will continue to work at wringing all the joy I possibly can out of each day. We owe it to one another to try. And then wake up and try again.
And when I am done feeling sorry for myself, I remind myself that they left pieces of them behind. In us. We walk out the dreams they began. The ones they loved to life through us. We hear them in the things we say. They just could not bear to leave us entirely. I hear her voice in my voice, in my sister’s voice. My brother jokes like her and my sister looks just like her. I feel them when I move. I feel the expression on my face and know my mouth is pressed just like my mother’s. She would make this face when she was concentrating that I can actually FEEL on my face when I do the same.
Nothing will ever prepare us to release our loved ones entirely. It’s unnatural and if you are a believer, you know that our hearts were designed for eternity. All this grief is temporary, the parts we miss will return. They will be made whole again. In the meantime, we honor them in the mission they began in us. The way they prioritized us, their children, the way they celebrated and connected with family. We take it a step further and create memories for our children with some of the old and so much new. It is our duty to them, to live out the days they wish that they could. We carry those parts with honor and dignify them with how we live.
Vida Taina Luz 