In my 41 years of life I have had so many different types of love.  That nurturing Momma love… That protective Daddy love… That silly and loyal sibling love… That crazy immature (think you’re in love) teenage love… That friend love.  You know that one!  Those friends that roll so hard with you they become family.  Then there’s that birthing children love… The blended family, gaining a son love…  The adoring husband love; The kind of love that fills me up and lifts me high.  I’m finally experiencing that pet love, too.  I never knew I could care for a fur ball like this.  (Not a fan of animal smells but they are hella cute sometimes.)  I have yet to experience that son/daughter-in law love, that grandbaby love, heck, that old people love!  I pray we see the day that Robert and I are popping out our dentures in to say good morning to one another. 

Love has a way of affirming me.  Witnessing me.  Bringing me back to life and helping me to see myself from another perspective. 

My love for others has motivated me to compromise, to examine myself, and to correct behavior and patterns.     

I also experience love for art, music, culture, and nature.  I have been motivated and changed by love.  I have also been crushed by love.  I feel like most of us have-and live to tell about it. 

There is an act of love that still blows my mind when I recall it.  My Daddy was in home hospice and they called me to let me know that “it was time.” I hesitated when I got the call and my loving aunt reminded me that I didn’t have to come, it was up to me if I could bear that moment with them.  I decided I would never let my sister face something like that alone so I braved up and headed out in the bitter cold.  Upon my arrival, I greeted family as I walked through the front door and raced to the kitchen (I intentionally passed up Papi’s bed) to prepare my heart for what my eyes were about to see.  Knowing my heart was going to be deeply broken all over again,  I crept over to the head his bed.  I grabbed sat next to him, grabbed his almost limp hand and began to wimper.   The hot tears ran down my face.  Watching his body finally losing to his almost ten year battle with cancer and all I could say was “aye Papi” in despair and deep, deep empathy for all the pain I knew he had endured for too many years.  Upon hearing my voice crying out to him, he reached for my face.  He heard me!  I was sure upon my arrival that he was completely un-reactive but he heard my cry.  He heard me cry and he reached out to comfort one of his babies.  I’m crying again… even as I write this.  I just need you to understand this powerful act of love.  One so powerful that it brought him back from the death’s door, for just a moment.  One last loving gesture for his child.  His yellow butterfly.  Just one.  Last. Moment.  His body working so hard just to push the last breaths he could muster out of him yet there he was; comforting ME.  In a room full of family, that one exchange was just for me, just for us, to share.  The night went on as my sister and I held one another through the oh-so-familiar ache.  The last few hours we would share before becoming adult orphans.  Every time he stopped breathing, our hearts would sink to the floor, and then he would push out another breath, and another…  Hours of this until we both decided we could not bear anymore.  We both left to care for our own babies.  To shut our eyes for a few hours, long enough to trick our bodies into thinking this wasn’t really happening.  And the next morning we got the call that Papi shed one last tear with his final breath and it was finished.

“You called out to me and I ran out of that grave.”  I have been blessed enough to experience this from both my birth father and my Father in heaven.  Both times I have experienced my Daddy run out of that grave to rescue me, just one more time.

Love.  Is.  Powerful.  That God love is pure, transcending, healing…  It’s the love I hold onto when every other love leaves me numb.  It’s that Creator connection.  Love comes into our lives in so many magnificent ways but that God love tho… 

Play with words, bounce them around, digest them, spit them out.  Words with meaning, words with feeling, words of nonsense, words misused…  I’m a word girl.  I remember movie quotes and song lyrics for WAY too long.  The flip side of that is remembering words I wish I hadn’t.  You ever have a conversation in your head where you replay that last argument or cruel thing said to you over and over? So many times you lose count? I’m also definitely the girl that puts too much weight to words at times.  Words people say in tones that reflect their heart in that slight little moment.  Or my own-my own words, my own tone that can offend and cut coming out sloppily.  Words are powerful, I think we can ALL agree on that.  They can make us laugh or crumble.  They matter more coming out of those we love versus a stranger making a snap judgement.  I recently told my oldest daughter that we can find an offense in anything, if we CHOOSE to.  (It’s advise I need to give myself!)  There are trigger words that make us snap off or cry.  Words link to a memory that hurt us like a stench as they linger in our souls. Words that have us crawling into this self-simulated cave where no one can see us cry.  Phrases that we worked double time to shake off, rebuke and throw into the deepest ocean.  We get frustrated at ourselves because we would love to be convinced that they have no power. Yet once they are shot at us…they un-peel the old scabs having us bleed out tears.  Or-they can be words that give us goosebumps.  That lift us higher and make us feel like we are 100% THAT B!  Those flirty words, those affirmations that remind us “we is smart, we is kind…”  Silly words that have us spitting out in laughter.  Moving words that remind us we are connected to something so much bigger than us.  Creator-level words that remind us of a deep, loving pursuit that never ends.  It matters what we say, how we say it and who we say it to.  Daily.  To others and to ourselves.  Am I the only one in constant conversation with myself?  Ha!  Ok, maybe it’s just me.  The word “big” was a usual when I was growing up.  And they didn’t mean just tall…  And now look at this whole BBW (big beautiful woman) movement!  Take that!!!  My goal is that we take a moment to think about the words that describe us, that make us feel something.  Let’s toss away the ones that give us that icky feeling and replace them with the most encouraging and empowering words we can think up!  Let’s be creative and loving with them-for our own sake and others we share this planet with.  Let’s watch our tones with our loved ones and laugh way more than we cry this year.  Cuz like I told my baby, we choose how long we will allow offenses to hold us hostage.  Break out baby!!  You are B.I.G. alright- Beautifully Intelligent and Gorgeous!!!   

I’m not sure of anything. All I know is that, at any moment, life will surprise me. It will bring me to my knees, and when it does, I will remind myself, I will remind myself that I am my father. And I am my father’s father. I am my mother. And I am my mother’s mother. And while it may be easy to wallow in the tragedies that shape our lives, and while it’s natural to focus on those unspeakable moments that bring us to our knees, we must remind ourselves that if we get up, if we take the story a little bit farther… If we go far enough, there’s love.
~Life Itself

I’m a messy Jesus-girl. (I prefer that over Holy Roller, please and thanks) I have a heart created for intimacy however I am very open, maybe too open at times. As a blogger that is kinda necessary. Blogger, meh-whatever that means. I wanted a platform to share and express in hopes that the gift of writing does not waste away for lack of execution and purpose on my part. I’m braving up and pouring out. I don’t want to share too much on my bio as many of my blogs are intended to share the story of my life. The beautiful, painful, embarrassing, silly, enraging life moments that have molded me into ME. I’m warning you, this might be awful. I could very well be the most uninteresting, jumbled up blogger there is. Who knows? I guess we will both find out together! lol Let’s go!